For Immediate Release—In the face of a growing media frenzy, the Wallace Bros. New York office has issued a strong denial of recent reports linking the brother-sister pop sensations to a string of Hollywood beauties at a dizzying list of exclusive locations around the globe.
The rumors began in St. Tropez in March, when paparazzi first produced pictures which they claimed depicted Mark, the band’s beatmaker, guitarist, and sometime vocalist, shirtless on the balcony of one of the islands toniest hotels, beside a grinning Britney Spears. But Spears, in the final throes of her ill-fated union with rap hopeful Kevin Federline, issued an immediate denial, quickly seconded by the older Wallace sibling. “All you have to do it look close at it,” he said. “I mean, I’m 6’5”. But in the picture, the girl’s only two inches shorter than the guy who’s supposed to be me. Britney would have to be like 6’3. That’s Amazon-size.”
Later that evening, however, a weeping Lindsey Lohan fueled the flames of controversy outside a favorite Hollywood nightspot, by quoting the lyrics of the Wallace Bros. breakout single, “Nobody Cares About Your Big Dreams,” when approached by a solicitous member of the paparazzi. “Nobody cares about your worries,” she told the concerned Italian. “Nobody cares about your heart. Nobody cares about your big dreams, or the way they fall apart.” She then added, from the title of the band’s smash summer 2007 single, “I used to think love was a dream.” Again, the Wallace Bros. office issued strenuous denials of a Lohan/Wallace romance, with either sibling, but a press release quote to the effect that Lohan “seemed like a sweet girl” led to front page articles in both In Touch and US Weekly magazines, In Touch suggesting the troubled starlet had finally found the peace she sought with well-known “good guy” Mark, while US Weekly hinted that, in fact, Lohan and Mark’s sister Carey had dabbled for one glorious, boozy night in “the love that dare not speak its name.”
Halfway around the globe from St. Tropez, at the gates of the storied Promises rehab facility, the seeds of rumor were planted, germinated, broke through the soil, and burst into vibrant bloom in the space of a single moment when Mark was photographed picking up a ghost-pale Nicole Kidman after a visit to her country-platinum husband, Keith Urban, in the unmistakable gold-plated Wallace Bros. tour van, recently retrofitted with widely-reported spinning silver rims, extreme-bounce hydraulics, and automatic dry-ice cloud release on acceleration. This time neither star questioned the veracity of the photographs, both issuing releases to the effect that their relationship was strictly platonic. Kidman’s statement, however, seemed only to add fertilizer to the roots of the hedge of controversy that now surrounded them: “Friend is a word that has become almost meaningless in this world,” she said through her publicist. “But Mark Wallace has taught me to believe in it again.”
The media storm surrounding her brother’s reported romantic exploits did nothing to distract attention from his sister, Carey, who actually held a conference to plead with the press for privacy after she was photographed three times in a single week in what she described as “low-key, intimate” moments with on-again, off-again squeeze Paul Walker: sky-diving over the Andes, holding hands in the front row at North Korea’s “only-in-the-know” but buzz-tastic Fashion Week, and leading the distribution of hundreds of thousands of brown, nutrient and vitamin-filled lollipops to poverty-stricken Burmese children. “These children,” Carey said, pushing forward an eight-year old girl who she had flown in that afternoon for the occasion, “are the real story. Not me and Paul. What is news?” she asked the gathered press, a plaintive note in her famous voice. “What matters in this world?” She then tossed handfuls of the U.N.-approved lollipops to the grateful reporters, who scrabbled under chairs for the candy like rats, or street birds.
Perhaps in reaction to this recent media glare, Mark has been publicly silent on reports linking him to Woody Allen’s newest love interest, Scarlett Johansen, despite undeniable images of him slathering her back with lotion as she enjoyed the sun in a yellow bikini on a US Virgin Islands private beach. But he has spoken generally on the topic, most recently in Playboy magazine. “Love,” he said. “I mean, it’s the stuff. Right? Whoo! Yeah. But when it all comes crashing down, you know, and you’re a hundred miles outside of town, and the van breaks down, and nobody else is around, what have you really got at, the end of the day? Not love, man. Music. You’ve still got music. You can’t leave it, and it can’t leave you.”
The Wallace Bros:
The Gawker.com Interview
Gawker.com: So, Lindsay Lohan, man? Really? Yeah?
MW: Lindsey, you know. She’s like a lost little princess. You just want to scoop her up and—
CW: She’s a good friend of the band. A really great fan.
MW: Yeah.
Gawker.com: And Britney?
MW: Well, there was the issue of the height. I mean, that did get talked about in the press.
Gawker.com: They mentioned the possibility of platform shoes.
MW: No, that girl’s barefoot. Go look at the picture. But what I didn’t mention in the press, the real reason we knew it couldn’t have been me—I would just never go out in public without a shirt.
CW: You have never seen such a hairy blonde man.
MW: You know. You have a weekend, you wake up, you’re not exactly sure where it went, so sometimes you have to piece these things together, call a few friends. But when I saw the picture, I knew. I mean, you’re messed up, things get crazy. But there are lines you don’t cross. You don’t betray your country. You don’t bitch-slap your own mama. And I don’t take off my shirt.
Gawker.com: But Paul Walker, there’s some truth to these reports.
CW: Well, one of my best friends used to drive for a limo company in LA, so she met everybody. She says Pat Benatar is about the most down-to-earth lady you’d ever want to meet. But when she drove Paul Walker, he made a pass at her, and when she wouldn’t give him her number, he didn’t tip. So I thought, that’s not for me, you know? But then I saw his work in Eight Below. Have you seen Eight Below?
Gawker.com: No.
CW: It’s a vital film. I’d say one of the best in the last five years, if not the decade. Breathtaking footage of the Arctic Circle. I mean, it brought me to tears. And some really searing performances.
Gawker.com: By Paul.
CW: And Denver—that’s the dog that plays Old Jack. Really, you haven’t seen it?
Gawker.com: Is it out on video?
CW: You should rent it. In fact, don’t rent it. I’ll have a copy sent to you. But it was when I saw that that I knew. You see a man with a dog, and you know everything about him.
Gawker.com: And what you saw was good.
CW: I don’t want to spoil the movie for you. But he risks his life for those dogs.
Gawker.com: Well, Mark, we talked a bit about Britney and Lindsey, but those aren’t the only names you’ve been linked to in the recent press. Would you like to comment at all on Nicole and Scarlett?
MW: Well, Nicole, really, she’s just a friend. She has been for years, since we filmed “The Thorn Birds” remake together. It’s just something they decided to start reporting on now, you know, throw it into the mix. I wish her and Keith nothing but the best.
Gawker.com: And Scarlett Johansen?
MW: You’re not going to believe this, but we really just happened to be on the same beach. And she just needed some help with the lotion. But that one—see, that’s the one that really worries me. Because Woody Allen—
Gawker.com: I think I know what you’re saying.
MW: Right! Right? That guy’s so small and smart and devious. I feel like he could just come for you at any time, you know. Creep in through any little window or dog run, and come on you in the middle of the night, with anything he found at hand.
Gawker.com: Like a fireplace poker.
MW: Yes! Or your clock. Or a coat hanger.
Gawker.com: Or a book he found by your bed.
MW: Maybe. But that rumor makes me nervous. I mean it. Woody Allen!
CW: What’s so crazy about it all is this whole time, the past few months, the band’s really been in a personal retreat, just journaling and taking long walks and writing music. On doctor’s orders, actually. I mean, neither of us is really capable right now of sustaining the kind of activity they’ve been reporting.
Gawker.com: Really?
CW: The last checkup found some emotional deficiencies.
Gawker.com: And that can be treated medically?
CW: Sure, absolutely. It’s like vitamins: if you don’t have enough in your system, then you just have to eat some more pills, build them up again.
Gawker.com: And what leads to an—emotional deficiency?
MW: Overuse.
Gawker.com: I can see that.
CW: I think, between you and me, almost everyone in entertainment’s got it, to some degree. But with us, they’re saying they caught it early.
Gawker.com: So there’s hope for you.
CW: I guess that depends on who you want to believe.
MW: Like with everything.